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"Usually I'd be nervous, but the rest of his apartment is so nice."

Thinking about his ex usually drove Wilbur to the hard stuff....

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"It will be all your fault."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

'How long have you been fighting?'

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"I didn't mean your day wasn't hard, too."

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

'I see you both texted that you never talk.'

"Tom, let's explore why you feel Andrea's inability to understand 'icing the puck' is passive-aggressive."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'