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"He says we'll get married as soon as everything bounces back."

'Bill's not a real nurturing guy. Last week his pet rock died of neglect.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'You know too much!'

"I wish I had her jewelry." "I wish I had his wife." "I wish I had her figure." "I wish I had his money."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"It will be all your fault."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'How long have you been fighting?'

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

"I didn't mean your day wasn't hard, too."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'