Rehab Graduates Gifts

"Hi, my name is Sylvia, and it's been 36 hours since I bought anything online."

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

"Maps to stars' rehab centers."

Humpty Dumpty in Occupational Therapy

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

Cranial-Metal Plate Surgery Centre

"Here they come: Detox and Botox."

"It's my 30-day chip. One month catnip free."

'Unfortunately our definition of 'job' differs.'

Graduate

'Before I quit I couldn't even spell rehabilitation.'

"Can you send me a detailed list of knee exercises I could do at home but won't because I have no discipline."

"Seriously, this can't be the only stretch you know."

"And they'll remain in captivity until they are fully rehabilitated and able to fly again."

Physiotherapist tells Humpty Dumpty: 'OK, you've had a great fall, but we'll have you back on that wall in no time.'

'An MBA from Harvard is quite impressive. But you'll still have to start off at the bottom here. You start serving coffee in the cafeteria on Monday.'

"Were you referred to us by your doctor or publicist?"

Addiction Research Centre.

"She made her hat in rehab."

Real Hopscotch: 'A 12-Step Program for the addiction to scotch.'

"Yeah, he's in rehab, but for the right role I can spring him."

"Prose & Cons."

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

"When I google myself, the only thing that comes up is my arrest record."

Bob walked away from the halfway house – but only got halfway.

"In terms of career guidance, access to A-list talent, and studio relationships, you couldn't sign with a better rehab clinic."

'Taking up knitting has been good therapy for you.'

'...and so, after rehab, Snow White married the prince, and lived one day at a time ever after.'

'My automatic page turner went wild, so now I'm having to learn to speed read.'

Twelve step program.

'Does it hurt when I do this?'

"Polly wants crack!"

"My wife always said I'd end up mixing with the rich and famous."

'Excuse me - any news of my rehabilitation programme?'