Referee Raconteur Gifts

'Are you blind ref?'

Crime and punishment - football.

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

'He's still on a tether from his incarceration, but one day he hopes to go wireless.'

How Platypuses Are Born

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

'Sure, the term 'lab rat' has a lot of negative connotations but having drugs tested on you isn't so bad if you're a hypochondriac...'

The world's oldest braided rug

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'Welcome to Jiffy Scan. Do you want crayons and coloring pages?'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

Nethead strip: Long lost cousin

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

'It's worse than the wrong side of the tracks - I was born on them!'

"What little money I had I invested in myself. I lost everything."

"Metro-North is getting ridiculous!"

Old Man and Railway Porter

Tell me what you know about destiny...

'Have we found the 12.26 to Mossley?' (Railway/Train)

Practice Putting in the Sand Pit

"I am boomer. . . Hear me whine!"