Railway Raconteur Gifts

Old Man and Railway Porter

'It's worse than the wrong side of the tracks - I was born on them!'

'Have we found the 12.26 to Mossley?' (Railway/Train)

"Metro-North is getting ridiculous!"

Packed like sardines

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

'Let's send her a text message; 'You're FIRED!''

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

Non Thought For The Day.

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

"Back in the day, this pub was full of young, long-haired radicals, hell-bent on changing the world."

"Do you have this in an $11.99?"

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

'Bag? Any vouchers? Like a packer? If you have two of those... What type of apples are these?'

How Platypuses Are Born

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

Harold Was Done Asking Customers About Their Day

'Mister Nooka, taking over the frozen food division.'

The world's oldest braided rug

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

Commuting with Sardinetrack - 'Coo, don't they pack us in?'

'Sorry, the bag boy's down with the flu,'

"Thanks - it was so fabulously regional. I mean, I can't close my eyes without seeing fajitas and Georgia O'Keeffe."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

'During my trip around the World, I took some pictures with this new digital camera... here is my finger covering the lens in Sidney... here in New York... Rome... Lisbon... Hamburg...'

"Ya know, what really struck me the most about my trip to Bali was the $14 ham and cheese sandwich I discovered at JFK Airport."

"Alton Towers was rubbish, Mum - the A14 was much scarier."

''Sorry, we get no demand for it'- if I've said that once today, I've said it a hundred times!'

The less you know