Recently Single Friend Gifts

"Sorry, singles only."

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

"You lack spontaniety."

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

Biological Cuckoo clock

"I wish I'd had the eye test before I got married."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"You've done an absolutely fabulous job with the house, Anne, and Gordon's so improved!"

"The toaster your brother gave us is beginning to get on my nerves."

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

"'Single'? With this kind of income? Oh, have I got a dependant for you!"

People told me virtual dating was safe!

Susie's single status had spread to her socks.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

They all have one thing in common...they all have bad breath.

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

'Okay, I'll stand on the mantle, but she's never going to believe you bagged a duck.'

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"I think you two may hit it off. Craig, here, is an attractive male academic in his early forties who seeks a warm, vivacious woman delighting in conversation, arts, and nature for an evolving romantic commitment, possibly marriage, while you, Vivian, are a good-looking, intelligent, stimulating woman in her late thirties who seeks an educated, unattached, well-bred man concerned with ideas, culture, and the environment with whom to share your life interests and companionship."

"Ask me anything you want about Water Cress!"

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

Bachelor gettin giddy from dancing

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

'This rebate check isn't big enough for both of us.'