Single Friends Gifts

'I tried one of those online dating services, but even they couldn't find a match for me.'

'I didn't say I had a house and garage! I said I liked house and garage!'

'Okay, I'll stand on the mantle, but she's never going to believe you bagged a duck.'

Emily had tried blind dating and speed dating so thought she'd have a go at carbon dating.

"A new government survey has suggested that living along and watching too much tv can make some people very angry."

'Are you feeling as angry, helpless, bloated and turned on as I am?'

Dating Service: 'Dang Cursed again with manliness'

ACME COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'She should be attractive, intelligenty, charming, and funny, or best offer.

I'm so sick of being single... She's coming on to me!

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

"Ideally, I want a guy whose eyes will well up but doesn't actually cry."

'My love life is the same, but my credit card life has never been so full.'

"Is there a doctor in the house...hopefully unmarried?"

"I must be lonely! Yesterday, one of those telemarketers hung up on me!"

"Tonight, on Animal Planet, the mating habits of the pink-bellied Rudy Park."

"I think you two may hit it off. Craig, here, is an attractive male academic in his early forties who seeks a warm, vivacious woman delighting in conversation, arts, and nature for an evolving romantic commitment, possibly marriage, while you, Vivian, are a good-looking, intelligent, stimulating woman in her late thirties who seeks an educated, unattached, well-bred man concerned with ideas, culture, and the environment with whom to share your life interests and companionship."

"He's been mentioned as a possible husband."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

Wildlife

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'T.M.I.F.'

"Any idea how long your family might be visiting?"

"I said I wanted to visit the Brandenburg Gate."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

The Henderson's move to a vertical city took some getting used to.

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Packed boats of families on a seaside holidays

"Dear Wendy, please excuse the tardiness of my response to your recent tweet from Hoboken."