Rear-end Humorist Gifts

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Guide reading book called 'A farewell to arms.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Hard to follow...'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

Book Worm

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

Meet The Ghostwriter

"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about that?"

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

Larry's Literary Market.

'I want something by Anais Nin... but not the naughty Anais Nin!'

'Oooh, man... I meant to express that as an interior monologue!' ~ Fred, left to his own literary devices.

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"Books about unicorns? Fantasy section. Next to the biographies of honest politicians."

Overnight Programming

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."