Startup Humorist Gifts

"If I ever get my own business, I'm going to practice the Golden Rule."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'R2-D2 is not in. Please leave a message after the beep-wheep-zip-booop ...'

"Any questions?"

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

Football Chameleon

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Satya Nutella

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

Emergency Hipster Beard

Screen Time vs Book Time

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

'What do you mean, I just flunked the Turing test?'

'Yo-you Ma will now raise our spirits and assuage our pain.'