Startup Humorist Pillows

"If I ever get my own business, I'm going to practice the Golden Rule."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Any questions?"

Football Chameleon

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

Screen Time vs Book Time

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

'Yo-you Ma will now raise our spirits and assuage our pain.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

'What do you mean, I just flunked the Turing test?'

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'