Redneck Humorist Gifts

Hillbilly entertainment.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

It’s God’s country, if your God wears camouflage and dips tobacco.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

I fart more than that!

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

A Venus cow trap.

"Sorry I'm late! The driving conditions are awful!"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Daffodil bulbs

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope."

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.