Realistic Relationship Amateur Pillows

"Perhaps you're to blame for having unrealistic expectations."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"...until death do you a favor."

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

Paint pots in love

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

Sexual chemistry set

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"We don't talk anymore."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

Urns in love

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Very Presidential."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."