Raffle Hopeful Gifts

'You have lucky blue eyes-fancy buying a raffle ticket?'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it? No. What if I drank scotch and smoked a cigar and listened to vinyl records and grew a big lumberjack beard? It's what all the hipsters are doing. You're not a hipster. I'm at least a kneester. At most you're a keister.

'Hold on to this ticket. Immediately after armageddon, there'll be a drawing for door prizes!'

"My dad was a prize-winning bull too: According to Mum, he won a raffle once at the local fair..."

Do It Yourself Stores: Help Wanted

'Suddenly Jake was confronted by the dreaded raffler'

'He's even better when he takes the cue out of it's case.'

"Nothing says 'Teacher Appreciation' like an administrator winning the raffle."

'But Mum, I've got to practise if I want to join a circus when I grow up!'

'It's so ironic: I finally win a prize at a raffle and it has to be a free pedicure!'

"Guess who won the meat tray raffle?"

"Thank you! And now for my finale, I shall produce a magician from the hat."

Cave cow makes grass fire.

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Ladies, welcome to Palais des Beefcakes. A super sexy all-male revue. Our first performer is a legend – the hunkiest he-man in the Americas. So give it up for … oh my … It can't be … Senor Stud! Pop!

'Remember to register for the door prize.'

'Guess what,Doris- I've won you a grass strimmer!'

"The Christmas cake I baked for the church raffle is in the kitchen, I'll go and get it."

"Believe me. No matter how many self help books you read, you will never become a formula one car."

"Hudson, about our reservations to the Rainbow Room for the millennium - I raffled them off."

Another successful recruitment drive for the Collins University Medical Research Center.

'I'm going to try to be a pro hockey player. So, if I don't return, you'll know I made it, and you can take charge of the marketing department.'

'Alzheimers Society Raffle' "You won't forget to make the draw will you?"

"Okay, everybody! Time for our mid-battle raffle! And today's winning ticket is...numeral XXVII!"

"Guess what we won in the raffle at the Zoo!"

'We haven't made a dime all day -- maybe renting an office wasn't such a hot idea after all.'

There comes a point when you may have to admit the truth: you stink.

'Like to win an autographed bat,sir?'

God, I hate riding the bus. Sometimes I wish that a limo would pick me up instead. Then I lower my standards and wish for an Uber car. Then it's a cab. I now realize I'd settle for a bicycle. Bus.

"Well there's a surprise. For the tenth year running the first prize of a deluxe round-the-world cruise goes to the mayor."

Giant Raffle

"Hang on Bill, don't draw yet: there seems to be a late entry..."

'I'd rather be in Barnes.'

'Before you get upset - maybe he's selling tickets for something.'