Raffle Rebel Gifts

'Could I interest you in some of my son's school raffle tickets?'

Little girl dangling from her horse track.

"I gotta be me!"

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hip-hop cops on stage.

A souped up car...

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'And now for my William Tell shot.'

Fisherman has his dinghy punctured by a swordfish.

Hell's Anglers

'The bottom line: do we wait for the government to approve it as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as a furniture polish?'

'It just came out. It handles forehands, backhands and overheads all in one motion.'

"Ah, summertime! Robert Potts is sitting in for Jim Jensen, who is sitting in for Harry Reasoner, who is sitting in for Walter Cronkite, who is on vacation."

'Hold on to this ticket. Immediately after armageddon, there'll be a drawing for door prizes!'

FDA Ingredients

Resume of Claude Brisketson Composer

Man in bumper car sees traffic cop on bumper-car style motorcycle

"My dad was a prize-winning bull too: According to Mum, he won a raffle once at the local fair..."

'Suddenly Jake was confronted by the dreaded raffler'

Good morning and welcome to National Public Radio, you bloated capitalist swine!

No skating, no parking, no loitering, no cycling, no games, no nothing

"I'm just saying you're not allowed to use your phone during class. You're not being de-platformed."

I'm not sharing top billing with you on my radio hour. I created it. I am the vision, the reason people tune in, but I'm not a tyrant. I agree you should get your name in the show's title. The Sadie Cohen Radio Hour graciously allows a pervert to make occasional comments. Speak, pervert. Bite me, Tyrant.

"You know... this would be as good a time as any to rotate the tyres."

"Nothing says 'Teacher Appreciation' like an administrator winning the raffle."

'It's so ironic: I finally win a prize at a raffle and it has to be a free pedicure!'

"I blame the regulators for giving predatory pricing a bad name."

"Guess who won the meat tray raffle?"

Federally Guidelined

BBC radio one... Please Leave Your Brain at the Door

"Sorry, lady, we gotta quit for the day. Our radio broke."

'I think it's for compliance with some Federal safety regulation.'

Rules and procedure