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"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? Where do you think I should invest my tax refund? That's a great question. In my day, most people would've opted to put the funds into your standard Serta, or even a newfangled Posturepedic. Those people were morons. The more forward-thinking investor knew she'd run less of a risk of bed bugs eating her fortune if she went with a La-Z-Boy. Um ... ok, ... thanks.

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Pre-Television Man Caves

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

Rudy Park Enterprises regrets to announce the end to a brief experiment aimed at combining the popular and irrepressible talk show phenomenon Sadie Cohen with a background beat of powerful and thrilling house music. In fact, our ratings soared during our experiment. Revenue shot up 17.5 percent. Advertisers loved it. Our decision to cancel the experiment in no way reflects any error of management. Rather, it was a raging success reflective of our forward thinking management. In the end, though,

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

Spike Milligan

'Howard can't come to the phone now. He's standing by for a major concert announcement.'

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

'I'm Bored'

"See! Thousands of new listeners."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!"

'I think I've found what's causing the radio's funny buzzing sound.'

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? What's with that senseless riot in Baltimore? What do you mean? America has a long history of self-destructive riots in response to police brutality. It's senseless to call it senseless. A city is like a human body. If you feed a body an awful diet of abuse and unaccountable cops, that body's eventually going to have a massive coronary. In short: Learn your history! And eat oatmeal! Oat ... What? What are you talking about?

"Ray Brown on bass, Elvin Jones on drums, and Alan Greenspan on interest rates."

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry. What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance? Simple solution: send your mother to Japan where their entire culture reveres the elderly. Sayonara, grandma!!! Are you sure that's not a just a stereotype? Who cares?!

Feelings towards radios #2 Picket signs with pictures of radios on them

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

Randi Rhodes

'We've been picking up your radio broadcasts- You must be Fibber McGee and Molly'

'When did YOU switch to a talk format?'

Ask Sadie is back. You're on, caller. What's your problem? My wife finally answered my emails. She wants me back. She says she's sorry she left me for her personal trainer. She said making mad, passionate love to him has become unfulfilling. She said she's tired of the excitement, tired of his fancy house, tired of the lavish trips around the world, and tired of him not snoring like a jackhammer, like I always do. Let go and move on, you ninny!!! She said she's especially tired of his ability to

I think I may have a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, Dr. Kapuchnik. I'd say you're more like Dr. Demento and Mr. Potato Head, Al.

"What is it with Garrison Keillor and rhubarb pie?"

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

Months ago, during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Here is an actual reader letter: Dear Sadie, I think you should laugh, love, and go with the flow - and do that with gusto! Don't sweat the small stuff. Kiss all the girls. Boys or whichever you prefer, but remember to laugh. - Bob. Pervert! If we allow laughing, then we'll have to allow cackling. Maybe even guffawing. I refuse to go down

On the air: Clown squirts Glenn Beck

Unsound

Welcome to the "Ask Sadie" radio hour. You're on, Cleveland. What's YOUR problem?! My deadbeat brother-in-law won't leave. What do I do? For six months, he's been sleeping on my couch, watching my tv, and drinking my Dr. Pepper. Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Stalin liberated Eastern Europe and then didn't leave for 44 years. You're going to need a massive arms race, a containment strategy, and Sylvester Stallone. Now he's using my toothbrush.

It's the "Ask Sadie Advice Hour." "Mad in Montauk," you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java .net Cybercafe. My husband and I are getting divorced, and it's gotten bitter and angry. The problem is, we have 43 mutual friends on Facebook, and he's being so unreasonable about which ones are rightly his. You're arguing over custody of your Facebook friends? What the @#$% is wrong with you people?! Obviously, they're all yours. Everyone knows it's usually the woman who created the friendships i

'Michelle, this is your brother, Paul, do you copy? Over...Paul to Michelle, do you read me?...'

"First caller is Rudolph, from the North Pole, you're on Rudolph. What's your problem?!. . . And before you speak, lt me just remind everyone that I spent ten years as a detective specializing in tracking down prank callers and mercilessly destroying their self-esteem."