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This is the Ask Sadie Show. We're back with a caller whose house burned down while he was being diagnosed with gout. There is a silver lining: at least you're not a muscle-bound oaf or his puny celebrity-obsessed sidekick. Both Randy Taylor and Rudy Park are world-class disappointments, so they shall remain nameless so as to spare their poor mothers the humiliation. Not cool, Sadie. Not cool. We're famous!

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Fed up in Flint," you're on. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! House of Java.net Cybercafe. I bought a dirt-cheap house in Flint, hoping to rent it out. I had it renovated, and then the day before our open-house, someone broke in and stole all our plumbing. So what?! In my day, nobody had plumbing! We did our business in a ditch down by the river and we were glad about it! List it as "vintage Americana" and quit yer complainin'! But they took the roof, too. In my day, a roof

Don't you think you're taking this too seriously? That I might have a long lost twin sister? According to a random person emailing your radio show. That's not proof of anything. Oh yeah. And you believed that Obama could bring us health care reform. Who's the one living in a fantasy world? You've been saving that one up, haven't you? I wonder if my twin shares my voluptuous looks.

The Sadie Cohen Radio Hour with Sidekick Rudy Park. We've got a great show. I'm spending all day berating my nerdy loser sidekick! If you don't die of old age. Materialistic, consumerist boob! Smelly old luddite! Forgive me Glenn Beck, but you've got nothin' on these freaks. iPhone kisser! Edsel lover!

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? What's with that senseless riot in Baltimore? What do you mean? America has a long history of self-destructive riots in response to police brutality. It's senseless to call it senseless. A city is like a human body. If you feed a body an awful diet of abuse and unaccountable cops, that body's eventually going to have a massive coronary. In short: Learn your history! And eat oatmeal! Oat ... What? What are you talking about?

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!"

"Today on the ask Sadie show, we'll be addressing one single topic: 'Wolverine.' Specifically, we'll be talking about how most of you freaks who were obsessed with it for months are no longer talking about it. You people today have the attention span of a chimpanzee!!! That's an average of about 20 seconds, for those of you who still remember what I just said."

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

Books recommended by Oprah and Howard Stern.

Ask Sadie is back. You're on, caller. What's your problem? My wife finally answered my emails. She wants me back. She says she's sorry she left me for her personal trainer. She said making mad, passionate love to him has become unfulfilling. She said she's tired of the excitement, tired of his fancy house, tired of the lavish trips around the world, and tired of him not snoring like a jackhammer, like I always do. Let go and move on, you ninny!!! She said she's especially tired of his ability to

"What is it with Garrison Keillor and rhubarb pie?"

I think I may have a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, Dr. Kapuchnik. I'd say you're more like Dr. Demento and Mr. Potato Head, Al.

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry. What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance? Simple solution: send your mother to Japan where their entire culture reveres the elderly. Sayonara, grandma!!! Are you sure that's not a just a stereotype? Who cares?!

As a doctor I can only tell you that the jury is still out as regards the benefits of cannabis in a medical context,however it is my personal opinion that this particular sample would make one bitchin spliff.

'We've been picking up your radio broadcasts- You must be Fibber McGee and Molly'

"First caller is Rudolph, from the North Pole, you're on Rudolph. What's your problem?!. . . And before you speak, lt me just remind everyone that I spent ten years as a detective specializing in tracking down prank callers and mercilessly destroying their self-esteem."

Welcome to the Ask Sadie Show, Christmas-Eve eve edition. First caller is Rudolph, from the North Pole. You're on, Rudolph. What's your problem?! ... And before you speak, let me just remind everyone that I spent ten years as a detective specializing in tracking down prank callers and mercilessly destroying their self-esteem. Click. I will ruin you, "Rudolph"!

"Frankly, that sounds like the sort of thing a cat would say.."

Months ago, during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Here is an actual reader letter: Dear Sadie, I think you should laugh, love, and go with the flow - and do that with gusto! Don't sweat the small stuff. Kiss all the girls. Boys or whichever you prefer, but remember to laugh. - Bob. Pervert! If we allow laughing, then we'll have to allow cackling. Maybe even guffawing. I refuse to go down

It's the "Ask Sadie Advice Hour." "Mad in Montauk," you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java .net Cybercafe. My husband and I are getting divorced, and it's gotten bitter and angry. The problem is, we have 43 mutual friends on Facebook, and he's being so unreasonable about which ones are rightly his. You're arguing over custody of your Facebook friends? What the @#$% is wrong with you people?! Obviously, they're all yours. Everyone knows it's usually the woman who created the friendships i

"You may have heard me on 'Fresh Air with Terry Gross.' I'm Terry Gross."

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? What'll it mean if Trump ends up winning? Excellent question. It reminds me of questions very few people asked 80 years ago when Mussolini came to power in Italy. Other questions that went unasked back then: "Is sucking down smoke all day long bad for me?" "Is it a bad idea to buy radioactive beauty cream?" "Is cocaine really the best remedy for indigestion?!" People sure were dumb back then.

Today's guest will discuss his narcissistic personality disorder. This relentless spotlight-hog drove everyone from his life! Click. Hey! He sounded interesting. How come you turned it off? I'm not giving him the attention. That's learn him!

I'm your ghost twitterer. It's a marketing vehicle for your radio show. You're stealing my identity because if you used your own, no one would follow your tweets! You've got 3,000 followers. They're living to read about your every movement. Beating on pause. Beating on pause.

The Fairness Doctrine.

The Sadie Cohen Radio Hour presents: A True Confession. After days of denials, I can no longer keep the truth from my fans. There was a point several years ago where I showed kindness to rudy. I ask your forgiveness. Am I the only one having trouble following.

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie?'" "Are America's best days behind us?" "Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in grade school when the schoolmarm told little Jebediah Thistlewood to pull up his knickers. The next day, Jebediah's pa came to school and said 'In my day, a man was free enough to wear his trousers 'round his ankles if he wanted to. This used to be one humdinger of a country.'" "I still have no idea what he was talking about." "I don't even remember what I asked you."

What's your question for Ask Sadie? Should I invest in crypto? Only if you're a nincompoop who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Besides I was always more partial to Comet the Horse, Streaky the Cat and Beppo the Monkey. Krypto was the most unimaginative pet Superman ever had!!! What? What?

'Lifting palm trees! Hmm - it seems you have a desert island disc injury.'

Rest in hate

"For what? Nothing makes a self-righteous person happier than having a reason to think their sense of propriety is superior to someone else's."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

'... And now for this week's episode of, 'the fallen arches'.'

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? Where do you think I should invest my tax refund? That's a great question. In my day, most people would've opted to put the funds into your standard Serta, or even a newfangled Posturepedic. Those people were morons. The more forward-thinking investor knew she'd run less of a risk of bed bugs eating her fortune if she went with a La-Z-Boy. Um ... ok, ... thanks.