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"I tried 911. They're only accepting the seventh caller."

The Sadie Cohen Radio Hour presents: A True Confession. After days of denials, I can no longer keep the truth from my fans. There was a point several years ago where I showed kindness to rudy. I ask your forgiveness. Am I the only one having trouble following.

Welcome to the Sadie Cohen Radio Hour. Today's topic: Football. Why I love it. It's violent, sadistic, intense. The idea is to crush anyone who come across your path and make them whimper with submission! I'll not take our first caller. You're on the air, loser. I'm afraid to speak. The linebacker of radio hosts wins again.

I'm intrigued by the Ask Sadie Radio Program. Its ratings are huge. Sir, it appears to be controlled by a local coffee house owned by a ruthlessly greedy man. Of course, I respect that. Plan A: Make him an offer he can't refuse. We're talking money right? Yes, and stop watching HBO.

"It's the Dr. Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking nothing but Christmas-related calls."

'I've measured it -- she spends twice as much time on the phone as Rush Limbaugh does.'

'Lifting palm trees! Hmm - it seems you have a desert island disc injury.'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Pre-Television Man Caves

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

'Howard can't come to the phone now. He's standing by for a major concert announcement.'

Spike Milligan

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

'I'm Bored'

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

"See! Thousands of new listeners."

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!"

Jerry Springer

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. I'll tell you how to fix your hopeless relationship or cope with all the people at work who really are better than you. Then I'll berate you for not manning up and dealing with it on your own instead of bugging me about it! Los Angeles, CA, you're on. What's your problem? Click.

'I think I've found what's causing the radio's funny buzzing sound.'

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? What's with that senseless riot in Baltimore? What do you mean? America has a long history of self-destructive riots in response to police brutality. It's senseless to call it senseless. A city is like a human body. If you feed a body an awful diet of abuse and unaccountable cops, that body's eventually going to have a massive coronary. In short: Learn your history! And eat oatmeal! Oat ... What? What are you talking about?

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

"Ray Brown on bass, Elvin Jones on drums, and Alan Greenspan on interest rates."

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

The Great Larrynx

'When did YOU switch to a talk format?'

Feelings towards radios #2 Picket signs with pictures of radios on them