Quirky Nutritionist Gifts

Live yogurt.

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

'...and it has much less cholesterol than beef.'

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

Free Range Chickens

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'My parents are giving up desserts for Lent, so I'm balancing the family diet by giving up vegetables.'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'I try to watch what I eat, but my eyes aren't always fast enough...'

Fruits and vegetables

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

"How come there's a forbidden fruit but not a forbidden vegetable?"

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'With the added weight on their chests, donors can give a pint of blood at a time.'

"I'm fairly sure you can't count jaffa cakes as one of your five a day."

A little green pepper means 'vegetarian." A little red heart means "heart healthy." And a little skull and crossbones means "I really shouldn't , but

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

The 5th Basic Food Group - Junk Food.

'You have to chew your food: All this feeding-frenzy business is bad for your digestive system...'

Tell me more about the sunflower seed diet.

Geez, Bob, maybe you should see a chiropractor.

Patient to pharmacist: 'So, is it contagious?'

An Expert's Guide to What's Good and What's Bad to Eat and Drink.

The high fibre diet

"Yes, fish is healthy, but not really when it's battered, deep-fried and serve with tartare sauce and chips!"

Wheat Things

'Nutrition facts' - 'Health warnings.'

'But Darling, how can it possibly be bad for me? I only smoke a couple a day...'

'I just don't understand all the commotion over genetically altered foods, Jack. We've beens serving them, unbeknownst, to our employees in the very commissary for 10 years without a single complaint.'

"Doctor, I have a question about my medication."

'I'm not so much concerned about seeing floaters in my eyes as I am about the fact that I'm seeing inflatable duck floaties.'

'That robin has over indulged.'