Quirky News Fan Gifts

Grim reaper watching a dead TV report.

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

'Check out the old dude.'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

The Pencil and Sharpener

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

Hot cross buns

"It all started when I read somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Naturally, I assumed some breaking and entering was involved."

An Extraordinary Pointer

'...And the best he can do is a bunch of gophers?'

Crash Test Dummy Blues

Mouse with a cat cake.

"Hold on... did you mean to hit Snooze or Jazz?"

'I like the litter box...but the pool has gotta go !'

"See what you get for thinking outside the fishbowl!"