Quirky Joke Fans Gifts

"Stop whining- I'm also an only child."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

Theatre Masks and Butts

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Blind man walking a tortoise.

Introducing...Anagraman.

"Fresh pepper?"

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

'Check out the old dude.'

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

"Got any bathtub gin?"

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

The Pencil and Sharpener

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

"Big n' tall" "Small n' long"

"Not tonight. The furniture is sentient again."

"Has anyone turned in a chicken?"

Hot cross buns

So You've Cloned Yourself

"It all started when I read somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Naturally, I assumed some breaking and entering was involved."

"See what you get for thinking outside the fishbowl!"

"Hold on... did you mean to hit Snooze or Jazz?"