Quirky Fortune Teller Fan Gifts

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

The Running of the Brie

'I can see a visit to the vet, but, oh my, no more kids after that!...'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"You are going to meet a beautiful young lady at a biology lesson. . ."

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

"I've made contact with your mother. She says she hates what you're wearing."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"Forget about tall and handsome. What about portfolio 10 year highs and lows?"

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

"I see you on a beach..."

'No, I don't want to change my long distance phone company, and,,, Yes, I should have known it was you calling'

'The cards say 'buy' but the tea leaves say 'sell'.'

"This one is really unusual. We have to remove a horseshoe from a guy's naval."

'Hey, Ruby, want to give this guy an estimate?'

Freak Accident Specialist

'See many bathroom breaks in near future after eating Moo Goo Gai Pan.'

'This time last year you told me that I would meet a tall handsome stranger. Now I need his name and address.'

'...and I see dozens, no, hundreds of dirty socks lying on the floor! And I see windowless cars filled with injured squirrels and blind cats, who take you to an oasis of bacon bits...'

'Sorry, but sorting through garbage bins for food is pretty much what the future holds for you...'

Because I don't need my crystal ball to know what will happen if you don't clean your room.

'The red phone is my grapevine to Andrea Mitchenll, who hears it firsthand from Alan Greenspan, who hears it first from Ben Bernanke.'

'Don't add potassium nitrate to anything this year.'

'I can see... two all beef paddies, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

'What makes you think they're modern fakes?'

"Can we cut across the park and avoid Colony Lane? There are three squirrels in an oak tree I’d like to avoid."

"I see fireworks, I see people celebrating..."

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

'Your reckless nature will lead to good fortune and misery for millions.'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a "close-talker" at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? - Charlotte in Austin. Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozark

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

Palmist Alarmist - Uh ooooh!

'In Asia today, the Shanghai stock index closed lower on rumors of a fortune cookie shortage.'

'...It doesn't look good for us guys'