Quirky Fortune Teller Fan Gifts

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

The Running of the Brie

'I can see a visit to the vet, but, oh my, no more kids after that!...'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"You are going to meet a beautiful young lady at a biology lesson. . ."

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

"I've made contact with your mother. She says she hates what you're wearing."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

'The cards say 'buy' but the tea leaves say 'sell'.'

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

'No, I don't want to change my long distance phone company, and,,, Yes, I should have known it was you calling'

"I see you on a beach..."

"Forget about tall and handsome. What about portfolio 10 year highs and lows?"

"This one is really unusual. We have to remove a horseshoe from a guy's naval."

'Hey, Ruby, want to give this guy an estimate?'

'Sorry, but sorting through garbage bins for food is pretty much what the future holds for you...'

'...and I see dozens, no, hundreds of dirty socks lying on the floor! And I see windowless cars filled with injured squirrels and blind cats, who take you to an oasis of bacon bits...'

'See many bathroom breaks in near future after eating Moo Goo Gai Pan.'

'This time last year you told me that I would meet a tall handsome stranger. Now I need his name and address.'

'Don't add potassium nitrate to anything this year.'

'The red phone is my grapevine to Andrea Mitchenll, who hears it firsthand from Alan Greenspan, who hears it first from Ben Bernanke.'

'What makes you think they're modern fakes?'

'I can see... two all beef paddies, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

"Can we cut across the park and avoid Colony Lane? There are three squirrels in an oak tree I’d like to avoid."

"I see fireworks, I see people celebrating..."

'Your reckless nature will lead to good fortune and misery for millions.'

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, it's a grizzly bear!"

Palmist Alarmist - Uh ooooh!

'In Asia today, the Shanghai stock index closed lower on rumors of a fortune cookie shortage.'

'...It doesn't look good for us guys'

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.