Quirky Cartoonist Gifts

'That's right! No huffing a puffing for 30 minutes on a treadmill. We've developed a new stress test that is faster and more accurate.'

Life on Earth - Newton about never to discover gravity.

"Due to government legislation, we're not permitted to smoke inside anymore."

Damn these sprinklers and government fire regulations.

Tom awakens to find he's sprouted cute little suitcase-style wheels to match his love handles.

Tupperware Wolf

Antarctica is experiencing a heatwave.

"We're bringing the arts and sciences together here by giving crayons to mice."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"Of course they're permanent. I'm an artist."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"I cross the road to forget."