Quirky Botanist T-Shirts

'Remove the fur and claws and these genetically engineered apples taste just fine.'

"I don't know the Latin, but the common name is climbing onion."

Mania Varietals

"...Father Gill would not accept that whistling could not be a substitute for water."

Talk to your plants - but never enter a suicide pact with one.

Will Work for Manure

"Thanks for taking care of my plant. You really don't need a 'green thumb', she isn't picky."

Pumping up a cactus

'You say 'dead.' I say 'low maintenance.''

Gardener clipping topiary stairs

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'The attendant is very good. I tip him the occasional sparrow.'

Please buzz off. That's my flower!

Bonsai tree held up by matchstick

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fived on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

Man looks at huge dinosaur fossil in garden, saying: 'It looks great in the rockery, but don't you think you should call the Natural History Museum?'

'I'm in the amusingly shaped vegetables department.'

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

Planting Bird Seed.

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

City Zoo: 'Try our exotic composts in your garden.'

'Be sure to ask George about his tomatoes.'

Mowing the Bottle-Garden

"I'd be fast, too, if I had legs that long."

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fives on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

'You've never forgotten that Elsie Turner, have you George!'

'What on earth made you think of growing water melons in the bath Henry?'

Bonsai farms: 'We started growing normal trees, but it didn't work out!'

"Eating the poinsettia didn't make him sick. It was the three pounds of potting soil."

"Can you believe we walked right past security?"

"Now, that's my kind of gardener: somebody who grows dandelions! I love dandelions..."

'Well Miss Pearson, this flood resistant GM Maize you've developed is pure genius. Giving it gills was a masterstroke'

Football fan