Quippy Quaffer Gifts

'Yup, that was one ingrown toenail!'

Backfire

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Elementary, my dear Quackson."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Plant Parenthood...

'Is the water cold?'

'My dentist recommended it.'

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

'If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it' actually a gene-modified flounder.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

Access Denied!

"You've got termites."

Fred questions whether Dr. McWit's Quick Draw Stress Tests are AMA approved.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

Death Watch

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

Penfriend

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"What town are we in??"

'Why don't you get Tommy to help you carry that?' 'He's inside there carrying the clothes.'

Man fishing from a step ladder in the water.

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

No, pal, I don't know if the chicken is free-range.

Dead ducks

I like a screw-cap for the convenience, but I like a cork for

Waiter holding a smartphone: 'Would you like it Instagrammed?'

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'

Beard Fisher