Quirky Quipster Gifts

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'

'Is the water cold?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Optimist

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"How about a hand."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."