Quippy Friend Gifts

Backfire

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Bangers and Mash

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you cross the road so that I can get the answer to this dumb joke my friend keeps telling?"

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

Giraffe Selfie

'Is the water cold?'

Penguin Remote

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'My dentist recommended it.'

Taking goldfish for a walk.

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

"Just pick one!! We're already late!!"

Live Flower/Vase Flower - 'Julia?'

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

"My Lord, you said you'd walk with me, but I only see one set of footprints."

"You just carpe, carpe, carpe."

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

'Well, fancy meeting you here.'

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

"Oh, she just wants attention or needs help."

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

Fido phones

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

'Go on, have one drink with me.'