Quippy Friend Gifts

Backfire

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Bangers and Mash

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you cross the road so that I can get the answer to this dumb joke my friend keeps telling?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'Is the water cold?'

Giraffe Selfie

Penguin Remote

'My dentist recommended it.'

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

Taking goldfish for a walk.

"Just pick one!! We're already late!!"

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

'It's a text from Mike - Sorry I'm L8 B THR in a crrrrassssssh!!! ARRRRGGGHHH....;p'

Live Flower/Vase Flower - 'Julia?'

'Well, fancy meeting you here.'

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

"My Lord, you said you'd walk with me, but I only see one set of footprints."

"Oh, she just wants attention or needs help."

"You just carpe, carpe, carpe."

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

"Larry, did you water the plant?"