Quippy Quaffer Pillows

'Yup, that was one ingrown toenail!'

Backfire

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Elementary, my dear Quackson."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

'My dentist recommended it.'

'If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it' actually a gene-modified flounder.'

Access Denied!

"You've got termites."

Fred questions whether Dr. McWit's Quick Draw Stress Tests are AMA approved.

Death Watch

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Penfriend

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"What town are we in??"

'Why don't you get Tommy to help you carry that?' 'He's inside there carrying the clothes.'

Man fishing from a step ladder in the water.

'They're called 'ladies in waiting,' not 'those broads downstairs'!'

Dead ducks

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'

Beard Fisher

"If I had that much money to give to the democratic party, I'd be a Republican."