Quick Diner Gifts

"The food was awful, but we got right in."

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

Church Basement Foodie

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"Regular service or affected?"

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'The customer is always right...'

Waiter does not want to see customer make bubbles in his wine.

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"Aperitif?"

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'How would you like that? Medium, rare, or wrapped in plastic on a foam tray?'

'You'll love this, it has no nutritional value.'

"Perhaps I'm asking too much of you in the way of companionship."

'Excellent cork, go ahead and pour.'

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Lunch

Microwave. Do you have any idea of the time pressure I'm under?