Fine Diner Gifts

"Perhaps I'm asking too much of you in the way of companionship."

"I insist."

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

"If you wanted the no-smoking section, you should have said so."

"You make me want to be a better man, Olivia. Then maybe I could find somebody else."

"Regular service or affected?"

"If I'm billing six hundred dollars an hour, lunch just cost me $ 638.75."

Chez Ritzo. Yes, I would like an after dinner mint - I need one to pay this check.

"If you order that, you will impress me."

"I'm sending it back. This doesn't taste funny at all."

Lunch

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'How would you like that? Medium, rare, or wrapped in plastic on a foam tray?'

'Sir, one waiter is enough to bring the meals, but it takes two to carry the bill.'

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"Aperitif?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'