Questionnaire Connoisseur Gifts

Gentleman answering opinion poll instructs woman to read his answer back.

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

Men gossiping

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

S**t Threw a Goose

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

Barbed Pen

White Wine Wisdom (2)

The First Asshole

"There's a kind of rhythm to making money that something inside me responds to."

'This is our real-time chat room.'

"Hold that afterthought!"

Film Critic

'You do obscenity very well. Can you talk without being obscene as well?'

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"It's too academic."