Consultation Connoisseur Gifts

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"I've already consulted with my bartender, and my horoscope so now I want a thrid opinion from you doctor."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"But I see you're having difficulty following my argument."

GPC needs to make its new formula foolproof.

Men gossiping

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'The service is so much better when you dress as royalty.'

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

Don't you worry JB, everything is fine here.

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

'Would the person who's inhaling the very life out of this meeting please stop it right now?'

'He has a very open mind. Everything goes in one ear and out the other.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

White Wine Wisdom (2)

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Barbed Pen

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

Conclave.

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."