Catalogue Connoisseur Gifts

"Hey, wanna get kinky and read each other's catalogues?"

'Oh, yeah that - I'm in the mail order business.'

Reading my Critics

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

'The bigger they are... The harder they hit!'

'Enter, 'The Globoracy'.'

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"Seat yourself. Grab a menu. Take any table. Hey, you know how to cook?"

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Creative department ?

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"It's all locally-sourced, made from scratch."

"They must be having a two-for-one promotion tonight."

Barbed Pen

"The big money doesn't seem to be in Pretzels anymore."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

The King of Salesmen says 'Why sir, I believe you need a new tie.'

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club

The Croucho Club

"It's too academic."

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Film Critic

'How about if we choose teams based on who has the coolest stamp collection.'

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

'Now we come to what it would have been worth'

'This course is a great ego builder.'

"$68,000? You said that deceptive ad would cost me $23,000."

' I hear she was quite the collector...'