Interviewer Connoisseur Gifts

Auditioner auditions.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

Men gossiping

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'He will observe your text now...'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'If your name's not on the Liszt, you're not coming in.'

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'Have you got a resume?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

I think you should go after my job!

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

Trappist talk show.