Interviewer Connoisseur Gifts

Auditioner auditions.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Do you have any other skills?

Men gossiping

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'If your name's not on the Liszt, you're not coming in.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'He will observe your text now...'

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'Have you got a resume?'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

I think you should go after my job!

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!