Review Connoisseur Gifts

"If there's anything we can do to make your stay more pleasant, just rant about it all over the Internet."

Reading my Critics

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

Bathroom Fairy

Atlas with the earth, says: 'So then I thought, Why not just roll the damn thing?'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

Film Lovers.

"My kid could do that."

Sculptor's chippings

Jack Nicholson

S**t Threw a Goose

Man frozen in portrait pose.

Moliere

C Day Lewis.

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

Bleak House

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

Charles Dickens.

"I would never do a nude scene, unless the part really called for it."

Barbed Pen

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

"He's a mental-health critic."

'...and to commemorate 20 loyal years to the company, this gold plated sundial.'

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

Film Critic