Qualification Gifts

'Center for rat race studies'

A Puppet Named Juan

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Hate Platforms

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Ethics exam cheater.

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Killer Executive Suits.

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

Prize vegetables.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

The Busy Gardener

Computer Room.

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'