Qualification Gifts

'Center for rat race studies'

A Puppet Named Juan

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Hate Platforms

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

Ethics exam cheater.

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Prize vegetables.

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Louis Armstrong

Killer Executive Suits.

'I have this fear of the real world...'

The Busy Gardener

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

Computer Room.

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."