Punishment Ponderer Gifts

Extreme Sisyphus

"That's really bad for your posture, you know?"

"How do you feel about plea bargaining?"

"I got a no TV for a week in math, a no dessert for a month in history, and a just wait 'til your father gets home in social studies."

'If it's any consolation, us getting sent to the Principal's office is now trending on Twitter.'

'I'm uncomfortable with the idea of Hangman, so Josh and I are enjoying a game of Whole Life Tariff.'

"For parking in a handicap space, I sentence you to 30 days in a wheelchair!'

"Can you hold on a sec? I just have to condemn this guy to death real quick."

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

'Dungeons aren't SUPPOSED to be user-friendly!'

'The problem is that I keep seeing people who need a good kick!'

'I sentence you to three good clips around the ear.'

Shoplifter behind a barcode.

Man In The Stocks Used As A Clock

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'I've decided to commute his sentence - just give him a noogie.'

Horst the killer bee was led to meet his destiny...

Why'd they put you in solitary?

I got probation.

"I must not be lazy".

"Man! I hate to think of what the collective guilt adds up to around here!"

"Behind one of these doors is a ferocious tiger. Behind the other is a beautiful lady. There might also be a tiger there, too. I buy so many tigers it's basically become a storage issue at this point."

"Always wondered what happened if you tried to drive through without a card."

"Needs to get a life"

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

Max Weber

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?