Punishment Humourist Gifts

'Boy, when they say one trip salad bar, they MEAN one trip salad bar!'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Stop and Birch

When staffing agencies screw up.

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'Mother thought you'd like some fruit!'

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

'I warned: Play a sloppy game and, come Monday, there will be hell to pay during practice.'

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'Does this mean you're grounded?'

Convict Decor

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

Martha bakes with her new friends.

"I've rented the extra room to an escaped convict - maybe you know him."

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

USA allow additional execution methods...

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

'When I offered the bribe, Your Honor, I was just being polite.'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

Boy with policeman - "That's Kevin's new tagging device!"

"l'm returning this to the manufacturer in my own impenetrable clamshell packaging. They must suffer as I have suffered."

'No kidding? -- Nine life sentences?'

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'