Punishment Humourist Pillows

'Boy, when they say one trip salad bar, they MEAN one trip salad bar!'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Stop and Birch

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

When staffing agencies screw up.

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

'Mother thought you'd like some fruit!'

'I warned: Play a sloppy game and, come Monday, there will be hell to pay during practice.'

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

A Judicial Error. (Judge has hit his thumb with his gavel.)

"Your honor, we'll stipulate to the fact that he looks guilty."

'Guilty? Do you realize what that will do to my 'Who's Who' listing?'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'Does this mean you're grounded?'

Convict Decor

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

'I need a new hobby in here. I used to be into creative accounting.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

'Oh good! I hate long lines.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"I've rented the extra room to an escaped convict - maybe you know him."

Martha bakes with her new friends.

USA allow additional execution methods...

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'When I offered the bribe, Your Honor, I was just being polite.'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

Boy with policeman - "That's Kevin's new tagging device!"

"l'm returning this to the manufacturer in my own impenetrable clamshell packaging. They must suffer as I have suffered."

'There's a rumour we're all going to be released and forced to join the NFL.'