Publicity Guru Gifts

'We need a PR expert who can make heads or tails out of what I'm trying to say to the public.'

The Agents of the Round Table

Grasshopper, there's no unspinnable situation. Enlighten me, Mr. Spinwell. Say I'm a loaded energy executive caught cheating investors and costing employees their hard-earned pensions. What do I say? I handled my arrest with dignity. Classy.

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'How fast can you hype?'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

Create some buzz!

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Who should be the next eco-club president? The most vegan? The most carbon neutral? The most into solar? Eco-club. But we need someone who will attract kids to the environmental cause. Then it's obvious. The most popular. Or most athletic!

Target your customer.

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"

"In response to your request for better communications, I'm going to increase my lengthy explanation by 50%."

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

The Thinker. The Listener

A close shave on the Titanic...

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

Your ad here!

'To make sure I get noticed I always talk in a big bold typeface.'

nstead of looking at fish bowl, a kid watches the fish on TV as they are being video taped.

'I was headhunted.'

'My market doesn't understand me.'

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve