Publicity Guru Gifts

'We need a PR expert who can make heads or tails out of what I'm trying to say to the public.'

The Agents of the Round Table

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'How fast can you hype?'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

Create some buzz!

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"

"In response to your request for better communications, I'm going to increase my lengthy explanation by 50%."

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

Your ad here!

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

A close shave on the Titanic...

nstead of looking at fish bowl, a kid watches the fish on TV as they are being video taped.

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

'To make sure I get noticed I always talk in a big bold typeface.'

'I was headhunted.'

'My market doesn't understand me.'

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

"I can't believe you made it past our bitch receptionist."

There's a real disconnect going on here.

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?