Advertising Gurus Gifts

"Someone's been sending me J. Crew catalogues."

"We specialize in pretrial publicity."

"So the plan is to fly everyone for free. But we'll charge $400.00 per bag."

'How fast can you hype?'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

If nobody had invented graphics

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"So let's roll up our sleeves and show that America still builds the world's greatest advertising."

'We've re-branded.'

Target your customer.

Direct Marketing...

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

"That's our new church mascot."

'It's creative as hell! Now that you've got that out of your system, give me a campaign that will sell.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

News for Sale

Your ad here!

A close shave on the Titanic...

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

Gerald Ratner's return

"The problem is that our ads have either been too Jewish or not Jewish enough."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"I must say Jeff, there's something about your personal brand that I find refreshing."

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

"At bonus time, just don't forget where you get your intellectual property."

Tim's marketing solutions