Ad Guru Gifts

Advertising Agency - "What we need is a catchy slogan, something to hide the facts."

'It's new and improved because we now have better advertising.'

'Lucy just flew in from Adland.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"Yes! Our product placement in front of their product placement."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'How fast can you hype?'

'Here's MY information highway!'

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

'Our job will be to drag the competition down to our level.'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

A close shave on the Titanic...

nstead of looking at fish bowl, a kid watches the fish on TV as they are being video taped.

Your ad here!

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

I've always been slower than computers...

'I was headhunted.'

'He's a media consultant. He came with the multimedia software package.'

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

Smoke and Mirrors: Harold couldn't work out why his new store wasn't getting any customers.

Home Business - Newspaper Ad.

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

"Couldn't you just set up a facebook page or a blog?"

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."