Promotional Guru Gifts

"See, Wilkinshaw. . . I told you you'd be in charge of our marketing campaign!"

'How fast can you hype?'

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

Target your customer.

"To be clear, I said I want your 'A' game, not your 'Eh?' game."

'Come on, come on, let's work together!'

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

Kirsten Johnson

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

'Harold is the brains behind the Smudge-o-Rama mailer.'

Your ad here!

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

A close shave on the Titanic...

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

Home Business - Newspaper Ad.

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

Smoke and Mirrors: Harold couldn't work out why his new store wasn't getting any customers.

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

"I think you'd make a persuasive salesman."

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

"In the marketplace of ideas, we may not have the best ideas, but we have the best marketing."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'