Provincial Humorist Gifts

The walls have ears.

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"What other tricks does he need?"

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"Sorry I'm late! The driving conditions are awful!"

'It was this big. I swear'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

Magic Act

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Ocean Liners will be Ocean Liners

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

"If you hurry, you can make the matinée."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Perhaps it would be easier using mice?"

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

'I guess everything's okay, doc, two legs is showing, one out of each hole."

I've been doing sit-ups!

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Tony and Stephanie are from Iowa."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"It's odd, but once I'm full, the last thing I want to smell is blood in the water."

"Daisy had twin bull calves. How'd you do?"

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I'm afraid to a horse a carrot is just a carrot!'

A cow's bedside table.