Provincial Humorist T-Shirts

The walls have ears.

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Sorry I'm late! The driving conditions are awful!"

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'It was this big. I swear'

Magic Act

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

Ocean Liners will be Ocean Liners

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

"If you hurry, you can make the matinée."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Perhaps it would be easier using mice?"

'I guess everything's okay, doc, two legs is showing, one out of each hole."

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

I've been doing sit-ups!

"Tony and Stephanie are from Iowa."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Daisy had twin bull calves. How'd you do?"

"It's odd, but once I'm full, the last thing I want to smell is blood in the water."

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"This one is called 'Essence of Hockey Bag.'"

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

That's one harmonious butt hole!

A cow's bedside table.