Prose Mechanic Gifts

Man at work on his book.

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"I’ve seen better metaphors in my litter box."

Poetry repairman

"Wallace couldn't come, but I brought some of his fussy prose."

Writer

'Hows it coming?'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

A writer types onto a long sheet of paper.

"I'm leaving you. I would have told you earlier but the time just never seemed right."

"Stand aside! I'm a doctor of literature!"

Plagiarism

Content writers.

'Tom's never been good at managing his word count down...which is why I've got a 363 page shopping list!'

Writers Block: "Day 24 and still no typewriter!"

"We're making exiting advances in alternative car care."

'You did it! You changed my lovely witches broom into a hybrid!!'

Bookmobile.

'Needs salt.'

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

"I keep hearing a knocking noise."

Warning: Slippery slope of over-used metaphors ahead (majestic pines, crystal streams, etc.). Writers are advised to take alternate path.

"The key to a good story is to give the protagonist lots of challenges."

"Off hand, I'd say your bumpy ride is due to your tires, but just to be sure, I'll run a bunch of computer diagnostics."

"Well, I didn't get the job, but my resume got an A in creative writing class."

'Another day...another blank page taunted him. 'How long can this block go on?' He wondered. 'I don't know,' said the paper.'

Slow reading institute - learn to enjoy adjectives, metaphors, alliteration again.

"If I learned one thing in all my years in this business, it's that you're only as good as your last earthshaking breakthrough."

"You're lucky. My novel went straight to landfill."

'When was the last time you had a tune up?'

"We just need to change a couple of things before we can consider publishing it...What you've said and how you said it..."

'I can't repair the manual printing machine. The manual is illegible.'

Nikolay Alexandrovich Dobrolyubov

"I'm starting to get worried. How am I going to be adored, parodied, venerated, denounced, redeemed, and ultimately mythologized if I can't get published?"