Prose Maestro Gifts

A writer types onto a long sheet of paper.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

'He was only reaching for his powerpoint presentation pointer.'

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

"Still suffering from writer's block?"

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

He then drew a number of smaller pie charts behind the bigger chart. That helped to put it into perspective.

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

Although not felt by everone, Wanda's powrful jargon sent seismic shock waves through some of the more geologically unstable department in the organization.

(No caption. Signs on file cabinets drawers read, "Files Saved to Hard Drive," "Files Saved to Disk," "Files Saved to Traveldrive," "Trash.")

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"You need to take the weak parts of your presentation and work them into something that won't get you fired."

Editor.

'Who wants the talking stick?'

'And this is after the creation of a Special Effects Department.'

Romantic Glass Blower

'What does L.B.W. mean?'

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

"We need to work on our people-friendly image you jackass."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

'Hey! Did you suddenly forget English? Get in here!'

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

Nice speech, but you don't have that many friends. You better add "Romans and countrymen."

"Whoa, too much information!"

"For his next picture, my client wants creative control, script approval, and a percentage of the gross. Is that clear?"

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."