Prose Perfectionist Gifts

Warning: Slippery slope of over-used metaphors ahead (majestic pines, crystal streams, etc.). Writers are advised to take alternate path.

"Wallace couldn't come, but I brought some of his fussy prose."

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"I’ve seen better metaphors in my litter box."

Poetry repairman

'No, I'm not called Arthur, I'm an author!'

Writers Block: "Day 24 and still no typewriter!"

Writer

"Well, I didn't get the job, but my resume got an A in creative writing class."

Punctuation Police

Someone who knows apostrophes

'The Questioner'

Bullseye!

"I know its hard to believe right now, Lawrence, but some day you'll thank me for asking you to punctuate your sentences correctly."

Dating an English Major

'Thanks to the huge bonus, I find myself forced to admire you.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'Who teaches apostrophe usage?'

"I know! I know! I K-n-o-w!. . . Um, what was the question?"

"Baxter...about this report...your punctuation, spelling and grammar are perfect. No one can understand it!"

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"Various entrances to the gates of Hell."

With the popularity of spell-checkers, many people are turning to the new speech-checkers.

Ironing Punctuation

Job Interview Gone Bad.

"I've grown numb to exclamation points."

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'The grammar's awful and the spelling's atrocious - otherwise it's an impressive CV.'

I have taken over Sarahs body!

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

'I told you, you were missing a decimal point.'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

'To them, capital punishment means making them use proper capitalization.'