Productions Gifts

"No. I don't want to see an all-male production of 'Little Women.' "

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

Cut!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

Brad Pitt

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

This side is the gag reel.

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Buster Keaton