Procrastination Punsters Pillows

I keep meaning to write my memoirs, but I never get around to it. It's your "oughta" biography!

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'We're under a lot of time-pressure here, so we'll need to jump to conclusions.'

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"Hey, how did you get your vaccine before me?"

In and Out Box

"Sometimes I bark at nothing."

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

Psychologist Birthdays

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

'It's too early to start being good for Christmas. I always wait until at least the Thanksgiving left-overs are all gone.'

"Can you give me some sort of metaphor for how you're feeling?"

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

Hamlet.

Claude

'I've been experiencing a lot of deja moo.'

It was another quiet day for Johnson.

"I take it the tortoise wasn't available."

'Not now Susan - I'm busy.'

"How long have you been suffering from anthropomorphism?"

'I can't remember why I came here either.'

Those four microwave dings you just heard indicate that dinner is ready, Lance. Hop to it! Unlike some individuals I know, I am not one of Pavlov's wolverines.

Psychiatry. Your disorientation is number 2248 in my psychiatry manual. You mean my daze is numbered?

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

Psychobabble.

Freud Met Santa...

Catch 72

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

Where's Slinky going? To Florida, for spring training.

"Up here, we call it 'Nectar of the Gods' not 'Devil's Brew'!"