Percentage Punster Pillows

'No wonder they call themselves Miracle Vineyards. The label says this red is 50 Merlot, 50 Cabernet and 50 Sangiovese.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Intelligent people laugh too!

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

Assault 'n' Vinegar

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

I think you're ace

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

Sweep the board.

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

Dogs life

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

Kamikaze Colour

'When I said address the ball I didn't mean like that!'